Now that I’ve been a father for 8 weeks, let me tell all you other parents what you’ve been doing wrong:
1: Duct tape is a perfectly acceptable tool to keep a pacifier in a baby’s mouth.
2: Toss a blanket and a few stuffed animals into the trunk of your car to create a mobile play pen. It’s can also be used for overnight care!
3: Despite what the internet might tell you, babies six months old and younger cannot be trained to fight each other.
4: A single can of Vienna Sausages can feed two people. The parent gets the sausages; the baby will enjoy the preservative gelatin that pools in the bottom of the can.
5: Never, ever hit a child in anger. Only hit them when you’re feeling euphoric. Remember to laugh manically so the child knows you’re not angry.
6: Parents are allowed to offer unsolicited advice to absolutely anyone. Take advantage of your new-found position as a social elder to shove your values down everyone’s collective throat.
7: Kids will learn profanity on the street, or they will learn it at home. They’re going to swear, so it’s your responsibility to make sure they use naughty words correctly.